Catch up on shows with The Coast On Demand
Tuesday, July 03, 2012 10:36 AM
There are lots of causes of sibling rivalry, but I’d like to talk about one in particular: favouritism.
It is very natural to have preferences. You have a favourite fragrance, a favourite ice-cream, a favourite car and, if you have more than one child, it is very likely that one of your children will be more compliant and easier to like – your favourite. You might admit that now, but could I strongly urge you to never admit it again, even to yourself.
There are few things as toxic to a child’s heart, or more likely to fuel rivalry between children, than believing their parents favour one child over another. Let them know that just because you love another child very, very much, it in no way reduces the amount of love you have for them. You can love them differently, but you love no child more than any other. When you compare one child with another, it can sound a lot like favouritism . “Look at Tom – he’s not making a fuss about having to eat brussel sprouts.”
If you are in a ‘blending’ family with kids from previous families, or have tamariki whangai, adopted children, avoiding favouritism will take a huge amount of willpower, because you are naturally ‘wired’ to defend and favour your ‘bio’ children. Your fairness will falter at times, and your kids will notice, but at least let them know, “Hey, we’re a new family now, and I’m trying to love all of my kids equally; the new ones as well as the ones I had before. It’ll take a while before I get it right, but I am trying.”
It’s tough being fair, but honestly it is worth the effort.
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