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John Cowan - Teach your child to disobey

Monday, August 20, 2012 2:04 PM

Anger is a very powerful force that sometimes wants to leap frog our good sense and self control and go straight to action. It takes a lot of maturity to catch hold of our anger before it makes our voice loud and our actions intimidating or even violent. It’s hard enough for adults – it’s even harder for children.

Ross Campbell in his book, “How to Really Love Your Angry Child” reckons that it is a key life-skill but one that takes a long time to master – and some never do. The ideal is that we express our anger verbally – instead of physically – and that we learn to do it pleasantly and politely. He reckons that you shouldn’t expect to see that type of maturity until your child is about 17 years of age. Until then, you celebrate progress. If they yell at you, be grateful that they didn’t hit you this time. Praise them when they express it verbally, not physically. "I'm proud of the way you handled your anger. You didn't take it out on your little brother. You didn't slam the door."

And teach your children to disobey... to disobey those angry feelings that are making them want to yell and act out. Let him or her know that you usually can’t control feelings but you can always control your actions.

So give them choices, some alternatives, when they get angry. Walk away from the heat, from the person that’s making them angry. If you’re angry, count to ten. Have a phrase "I am the boss of my anger". “I know I am feeling mad right now – I should be very careful what I say or do”.

Just a final thing... Do you apologise when you have been unnecessarily angry? Children learn to apologise... when they see it modelled.